In 1984 I was a Super Mom. I worked as a salesperson for lumber wholesale. I had a degree in speech pathology, yet decided it wasn't for me. I found the lumber business very exciting. I enjoyed the adrenaline rushes and the fast pace. I was a mother of two boys at that time and 31 years old. I started to find that I wasn't satisfied with this material world. I started to ask God to show me a different way. I wanted him to come into my life. I felt like something was missing. I had everything I could possibly have wanted, money, beautiful children, a wonderful husband. Yet, I kept on asking God to get me out of this situation. I needed more.
In January l986, I became pregnant. It was not planned. I was even using contraception. Very early in the pregnancy I was receiving signs, such as people talking about children with Downs were a gift and seeing more children and adults with Downs. I had not been tested to see if I had a Downs, but in my heart I knew. I was very depressed. I told the Doctors that I felt I had a Downs child. They said to not be concerned. When Blake was born that was the first thing that I had asked, If he was Downs. They said no. His apgar test was 9. They finally realized the following morning he was because of his heart defect.
My world began to crumble. My perfect world was not perfect anymore. We all know it wasn't perfect to begin with. God had come into my life, not gently but like a bull in a china closet. Beware of what you ask for your request might be answered. My child Blake had taken me on a journey. A journey. I was unfamiliar with that word. I was always looking for the end. I was always looking for results. I never cared about the process. Even now I don't know where I am going.
God is helping me to have less control. To go where his will takes me. Courage is now a necessity as well as faith. My goals are not concrete. I live in the present one day at a time. That is all I can understand. My child Blake is a beautiful child. I experience love that I have never known. Unconditional love. When people see him they are drawn to him automatically. People can't help but smile around him. He has accomplished things that I thought were only available to normal children. I am currently still on this spiritual journey of learning about God, myself and others. I have a different view of the disabled and handicapped. I have a lot more to learn. Yet I think God gives you what you need. It doesn't necessarily go with the thoughts we have. We may have supposedly a better idea. Yet we have to let go and let God.
I became an Artist. I show my work in galleries a gift of talent I didn't express prior to Blake. God has brought me the joy of self-actualization, reconciliation, healing and hope through Blake.
AVander © 12/1997.