• Found in the Light
  
  
• WHY?
  
  
• ...a glimpse...
  
  
• To my beautiful boy

Found in the Light

I have been lost in the darkness for some time. I have grown accustomed to the dark and dank corridors that cloud my mind. With every twist and turn, I have stumbled and I have fallen -- groping onto whatever was the closest, solid support. While stumbling in this darkness, I have felt masses at my feet ........I wonder.....have I been stumbling over any of you?? Are there others that have been stumbling in the darkness with me??

The darkness is in my mind. My mind is dark and foggy. While I may have grown accustomed and somewhat comfortable in the dark.......comfortable, in the fact, that I have but grown used to it....... I realized that I have been searching......... searching fervently for the LIGHT! And whenever I have seen a light off in the distance - toward the end of this black tunnel......I have tended to walk toward it. Only to find it to be the light of yet another on-coming train filled with more devastation, distress and pain. Has anyone else seen this train passing thru the night??

When I find myself afraid to go on one more step.....I find myself closing my eyes to the darkness and moving away from my mind and I seem to go to a reserve place within........This reserve place that I have secretly hidden far, far away and within is like a beautiful garden with the most vivid colors and lush greenery all about. In the middle of this garden is a gable and under this gable there is a bench.....a lovely, velvet covered bench.....all fluffy and inviting.

I go to this bench often and I sit and I am warmed by the gentle balmy breezes and the sun upon my body........off, in the distance, I can hear the gentle tumbling of a waterfall and every so often I can feel the mist upon my face. I watch as the hummingbirds outfitted in their most brilliant and beautiful of royal blues and greens and ruby red throats ......I watch expectantly.....holding my breath......as they dip their tiny heads with ever so slender beaks into the trumpets of the delicate flowers that they seek.

Isn't it odd?? There is not a dark corner to be found......every spectrum of color and light surround me......I am alone, yet, I am at peace. I feel strong and healthy here and while I may be able to still detect the dull nudgings of my pain......I, somehow, am not so bothered by it......my sights seem to be set on a higher focus......a higher vibration, if you will.

Ohhhhh, and the LIGHT that abounds and fills this garden - while it may be a bit staggering, I never stumble or fall. I may even set myself down upon the hard and cool, smooth stone that surrounds the gentle gurgling pond and slip my feet and legs in and gently swish them back and forth. And what is this?? I am smiling.......my brow is no longer furrowed.......I am simply relaxed.......and this strong feeling.........what is this strong, warm, tugging, inviting, and healing feeling??

Why its "LOVE" and its coming from within ME! This garden I had thought was so secreted away is within my very own heart! And we all have this garden within us.......if only we would stop thinking with our minds and simply retreat to our hearts. Our hearts - so full of love and understanding is but a mere heartbeat inside of all of us!

I wonder......would I have been able to find this place within myself if I hadn't been, at first, shunned and afraid in the dark passages that I have traveled?? Would I have ever taken the time to stop searching outside and beyond for answers and absolution?? Would I have been able to feel such comfort had I not, first, gone into the darkness for my search??

I just wanted to share with you all my little garden- so that, just in case, you hadn't been able to reach yours - you may find solace enough in mine to, perhaps, search within - for your very own.

Taliesin © 1997

Why?

Why is it that when I say I have pain -- some say it is my fault?? Why is it when I am in pain -- some say it is in my head?? Why is it when I feel pain -- some say I have brought this on myself??. Why is it when I say I understand the pain -- there are those that say I cannot??. Why is it?? If I truly were in control of this -- would I still be this way????? If it were within my power, I would heal the nations -- I would merely think of no more pain for any -- I would dance in the streets -- I would sing from the rooftops -- I would dine on daily love and I would share the feast with all!!!

I don't think a one of us has asked to be stricken......yet, we are many. I may not be able to attest for you - but I can attest that I am a good person. I have not killed, I have not harmed, I have not maimed, I have not tricked nor conspired, I have not been adulterous. I have treated others as I would have them treat me, I have spread my love as a butterfly spreads its wings for flight, I have asked for only the good for all , and I have and still do love with a universal and unconditional heart.

I am a mother and as all mothers since the beginning of time, I have taught as I have been taught....... love one another, be kind, don't be quick to judge as you, too, may someday be judged, put out into the world positive thoughts and the positive shall be rewarded in kind. I view this life as a quick course; the possibilities are endless. Thru the pain we must trudge forward and onward.

This disease has stripped away any hopes and dreams I may have had in my past. I dreamed of amounting to something in this life -- at this point, it is not probable. I do not like confinement --- show someone who does???

The fears are many, the answers are few - the doubts are always there, the good days are few. I wonder what it is that I must learn to stop this vicious lesson? Is there a mountain high enough that any one of us would not climb for the answers we search so diligently to obtain?? I would gladly jump into the well of darkness, if I thought for one moment it would aid in the healing of this pain for another.

If we never pass this way again -- it would be too soon! I just wanted you all to know that we are all connected and I am thankful, at this time, to have found this small current of connection here in PRC to help others as I am still learning to help myself.

Taliesin © 1997

........a glimpse.....

I caught a glimpse of her today. She appeared light in step and I detected a somewhat carefree energy in the air surrounding her. She was but a mere image of the woman I used to be.......a sheer - almost shimmering shadow of a distant reflection of a life that had almost surrepticiously slipped by.....

My body aches for her. She was so in command......so very in control. I can almost reach out and feel the warmth left behind from her past presence. I wonder....does she catch glimpses of me?

As I lean back lost in memory......I feel she is a stranger. Someone maybe that I had read about or had absent mindedly come into contact with at one time or another. I see her often in old photographs. You know the ones.......where she was young and carefree. Living life by the seat of the pants......caring not for tomorrow......and even less for today. The lilt was not present then. The darkness around the eyes hadn't begun to show yet. I can

almost remember the vibrance of that energy. I can almost reach it within my grasp.......almost.......

I sometimes close my eyes......and try to will her to me and I can tell that she senses my presence.....but she eludes me.

I guess we both deep down really know why. Why the chase must go on.......for we know that if one should truly meet up with the other.....the one shall be joined and would be forced to succumb.....succumb to a reality that is just a bit too harsh for either one of us.......for she is who she was and I am who she's become.

Taliesin © 1998

To My Beautiful Boy--

I know many of you are aware that my youngest is going off to experience life with his father. This has been a tough and turbulent process. So many thoughts and feelings.... so much to say....I thought it best to turn to my best form of expression -- the written word....please bare with me as I try to express my love.
-Taliesin

To my beautiful boy--

Have I ever told that as much as your independence frustrates and infuriates me that is also makes me swell with pride? Have I ever told you how afraid I have been at times only to look into your eyes full of total love and trust and know that what I do is right? Have I ever expressed to you how wonderful it feels to be in love? How warm and fuzzy and secure it can make you feel? Or that how scary it is to lose that love and to go back to life alone?

Or that no matter how bad you may hurt one day that another day will come when you will be happy again? Or that how life always appears darkest just before the dawn of a new day? Or that many times making no decision is the right decision. Have I ever told you that before I had both you and your brother, that I thought I had known so much only to learn so much more from you both? Did you know that a mere smile from you can brighten my darkest days?

Did you know that when others have hurt you that I have lain awake at night thinking of ways to bring back your smiles? Were you ever aware of how afraid at times I have been that something horrible may happen to you? Do you know that no-one in the whole wide world can feel the same exact love that I feel for you? Others may love you but not like the love of a mother -- I know that this is true not only because I am a mother but, more so, because I have one, too.

Do you know how much I miss laying with you in my arms and cuddling or rocking you to sleep in the chair? Do you know how often I look back on old photgraphs of you and I am swept away to that exact moment and can relive that time with you again? Did you know that ever since you were a little boy that I have always known how wonderful you can be? Did you know that it always has amazed me how easy it is for you to get along with old people as well as babies? Did you know sometimes I look at you and I can see myself as well as your father?

Do you know that if I could I would give the world to you? That I would fight all your wars and defend you to all foes? That if I could I would take away all the dark days and fill them with love and sunshine? Or that if it were within my power I would serve you the moon and the stars and all the good that life has to offer?

Have I ever told you how much you have given me? Have I ever explained to you how different and wonderful my world is just because you are in it? Have I ever tried to tell you that as mad as I may get, that my anger is only tempered with tremendous love and admiration? Have I ever told you that I am a better person because of you? Or that if I appear to be strong it is because you have been my strength?

Do you remember when you used to go to camp or to visit your dad and we would leave kisses in each others hands so we'd never run out of them? Do you rmember when I used to spray my perfume on your pillow so that you could remember that I will always be there for you?

Oh, sweetheart, I remember it all. And I want so much to say all the right things to you. I know that I get all caught up in emotion and that this is hard for you to take....but if nothing else that I've ever said to you rings true -- please, please know that I love you and I will always be there for you. You are one of my two greatest gifts.....the best thing that's ever happened to me.....the greatest thing I've ever done.....you are the best and

the brightest of all that your dad and I ever have been or hoped to be..... .......you are my inspiration!

All my love and then some, .........Your loving Mother

Taliesin © 1998